I have a confession to make. I've been telling lies to my best friend. But don't worry, because my best friend isn't really a person so I don't think they'll be hurt by it. Facebook (yes) has been asking me frequently how I'm doing and I've been saying silly things like I am loving my silly dog, underwhelmed by Subway etc. But if I were going to be honest with my bestie Facebook I would say that right now I'm not great. Or even good for that matter. At this point I'm just existing each day. I'm eeking through. I feel unconnected. Lonely. Bad. SO there. I apologize Facebook. I'm ashamed, so ashamed I'm not even going to put you on Facebook. It's not you Facebook, it's me. I don't need to post how I really feel on Facebook because I don't want a bunch of people to comment on it that don't really care how I'm feeling. Who don't know me anymore. Who I don't have any sort of connection with except we lived in the same city, went to the same church, or attended school together many, MANY moons ago. If we were friends we'd see each other, call each other, make a point of being in each other lives and we don't. I'm not saying I'm not interested in their lives anymore, because I am and I want good things for them, but I really don't know them anymore. The thing about Facebook is, it makes you feel this connection with people but really when it comes to real life it just isn't the same as a hug, a cup of coffee, real face time. You put on Facebook what you want people to see, it's easy to lie and only show the good things when in all actuality things are falling apart. Eventually I'll feel better. Eventually I'll have friends. Eventually my days won't consist of work, t.v., dog snuggling, eating, and sleeping. Until then I'll keep going. Because life can't be shitty forever. Things will look up and then I won't have to lie to the one of the few things in my life that actually cares, or at least pretends to care how I'm doing. Hopefully when the good times come, Facebook really won't need to be such a big part of my life. I'm not saying that I have no one in my life. I have my family, and a handful people in my life that I talk to on a semi regular basis. But we don't have anything to talk about. They have real friends they see, they have lives that they live, school, hobbies, plans, etc. So how many conversations do they really want to have with me? They go something like this:
"So Maggie what you been up to?"
Oh nothing really, you know work and stuff. Michael and I went to Goodwill. My kids were shitty at work. Matilda is still awesome. What's up with you?
"Well, work, school, house searching, spending time with so and so and such and such etc. So what else have you been up too?"
Nothing. Seriously nothing,
Boring huh? Yeah I think so too :) I volunteer for BBBS, that's not quite what I thought it would be, I'm not meeting any friends doing that. I ask people at work to hang out and get blown off. I Facebook people that live in the same city as me or near to me to hang out, again blown off. How persistent can you be without sounding desperate? I auditioned for the musical and didn't get cast so that's a no go. I've tried websites, churches, and hanging out with people I really don't like or connect with. There's only so much a person can do I guess.
Someday I'll meet a nice, rich, nearly dead old man and life will start looking up. Fingers crossed people. Fingers crossed.
Pout over. I just needed to vent. This is where I get to vent. So random people in Russia or some place can read about my first world problems. I'll eat some chocolate. Chocolate understands.